


Just Jackson

by moonandstar



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Family, Hurt/Comfort, kind of a monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:02:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11858682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonandstar/pseuds/moonandstar
Summary: So you're sixteen and your life is falling apart.





	Just Jackson

So you're sixteen and your life is falling apart. 

You've got the fanciest car, prettiest girlfriend on your arm, the most money, best clothes, you're hoping to become captain of the lacrosse team. You've got everything you could possibly want- but it's not enough. 

It's never enough. 

There are times when you forget what you've been doing and who you were with, times when your mind is completely blank. Danny's getting worried, Matt's getting closer, Lydia's drawing herself away. You're losing them. You're going to lose them all.  
But Matt won't leave you alone. You don't know why because you can't remember having many civil conversations with him. You aren't friends. You have no friends. You wonder if money and material possessions to brag about can really be enough to fill that hole in your heart. You're missing something- someone? 

Is it your parents you miss? After all, it's all your fault they're gone. Blame yourself, don't blame yourself. Whatever you do, they're not coming back for you. So you're adopted. But you haven't told your new parents you love them, and that's because you're so afraid of the implications. You don't want to rely on them too much in case they back off, like so many people have done through the years. It's only a matter of time before they get sick of you and palm you off onto another hopeful family. Your life could have been so different had they not adopted you and brought you here. 

Despite this, you're still trying to impress them. You don't want them to leave you behind in the dust, so you try to be as successful as they are. One wrong move and you won't be perfect anymore. If you aren't perfect, they'll all hate you. You won't be able to sit with the jocks anymore. You might even be put back up for adoption when your parents decide you aren't good enough for them. You kick yourself for thinking this way but the thoughts keep going. The voice at the back of your head is constantly berating you for not being athletic enough, smart enough, handsome enough. So you hide this by making fun of other people for not being athletic, smart or handsome. You make friends with people who are all of these things and you make sure your girlfriend fits the criteria so you can create the illusion that you are the same. Class is a ticking time bomb. You're just waiting for the moment when you get a B rather than an A, or the moment when you get an answer wrong for once. You know the moment is coming and you know people will know the truth. You aren't naturally intelligent, you have to work your ass off to even achieve half of what Lydia and Danny can work out in ten minutes. That's just the way you are. 

So you've found out about werewolves and you're terrified. You can't pass on this opportunity- you have to be the best. You have to become one, but you're going to have to ask. Why is it that McCall of all people can become so powerful? He didn't even have to ask anyone. They honoured him. Why didn't they honour you? You know he's better than you and he can't be. No one can be. Lacrosse is the reason for your popularity and it is keeping you motivated. You can't let him steal this from you, he's already imposing himself on your gang. You've reduced yourself to spying on him. Eventually you get the bite but it doesn't go to plan. You failed. You're a failure. You aren't a werewolf, you're something else entirely. You think you're going to die. There's black blood oozing over the upholstery and you have no answer to your mom's questions about the stains. There's black blood all over your pillow every morning and it won't wash off. You spend your allowance on pillowcases and clothes to cover it all up. Black blood is dripping everywhere, and you're having panic attacks. Daily. 

She doesn't love you enough. You can't show her that you really do love her. You take out your frustrations on her, screaming and crying throughout the night. She's got the key to your heart but you can't see it. She thinks that all she is to you is a pretty face. She thinks that you don't know how smart she really is, how beautiful she is. You do know these things. You also know deep down that you don't deserve her and when you're alone at night and she's gone home, you think about it. She comes over less as the months go by, but you act like lovers in school because what else can you do? If you lose Lydia, you'll lose everything. Prom night shattered you. It made you realise how much you really did need her. Unfortunately, she realised the opposite. Lydia had found a new puzzle to solve and she wasn't going to stop until she found out exactly what was going on. You just weren't her priority anymore. You were pushed onto the sidelines- and you're such a perfectionist you aren't used to being second best. 

People are dying left right and centre, and you think you're involved in it. McCall and Stilinski are just trying to help, but you know that they're not telling you something. Do they think you're stupid? You file a restraining order, hoping to keep them away from you long enough so that you can figure yourself out but you're afraid of what you'll find out so you live in denial. You sit in your room refusing to eat or to socialise. Danny stops calling after 6 days, Lydia stopped after 2. You skip school, tell your parents you're going but you end up alone under a bridge with a bottle in one hand and a silent phone in the other. You can't bring yourself to go near the water. You know there's something wrong with you, but you're so anxious that you don't want to think about it so you block everything out. You could die any second now but you can't talk to anyone. You would be in Eichen House by the evening. You need to hide it. 

Underneath all of this, under the cold, hard, manipulative shell you built up around yourself, you're scared. You're insecure. You can't show your true colours for fear of losing your popularity, your place on the team, your high grades or your parents. Underneath the exterior of the airs and the graces, you're just Jackson. 

You'll always be 'just' Jackson.


End file.
